Bitch, blueberry and fox - or why Destiny hates Uchiha and foxes love
by Blaufeder
Summary: He lost everything. He wanted revenge and looked for more power to change his destiny. However, the destiny hates something like that. Because of the knowledge he won from his actions. And foxes? Damn fluffy furballs!Troublesome! Tuna tins? The destinys most favourite baits.
1. Chapter 1

**Bitch, blueberry and fox - or why Destiny hates Uchiha and foxes love blueberries**

Prologue

Destiny is a bitch.

The only fundamental and truly useful realization in life. Some never get it and some do. These mainly in the moment of an exceedingly painful death. She really does not appreciate someone coming to this realization, for who likes to be called a bitch? Markedly not someone as powerful as destiny. After all she is a personified power who, unseen, steers people`s lives in appropriate directions. Whoever follows her path without reservation will attain wealth, power and glory or a tin of tuna deluxe. According to his priorities, character or goals in life. Or he drops into darkness, loses everything, ends up massacred by an incensed mob or dies of food poisoning after consuming an expired tin of tuna deluxe. Like I said, destiny is a bitch. An extremely fickle one as well. However, there always tend to be people who stand up to their destiny and try to change it. Destiny hates those most of all. You just cannot escape destiny. Fact. You need help from other powers to do this. Unknown fact.

People search for these powers and find them in all possible shapes and varieties. They find power in form of scrolls, Gods of Death, Jutsus, Kekkei Genkai, people with a special Chakra and tins of tuna.  
Or in the shape of a huge fox demon with nine tails. But most people rather call on a soul devouring god of death or snatch others Kekkei Genkai or Chakra in order to enhance their own power than to look for a huge fox that is in the habit of gobbling humans neck and crop (and possibly their souls as well).

In fact, nobody with common sense does something so entirely foolish. Madara was not foolish, but he tried to change his destiny. Destiny hated him. He knew she was a bitch. In the end it had to be that way.


	2. Uchiha, fire, oil and tuna deluxe

Chapter 1

It was a glorious, clear day.

The sun was shining brightly,

the birds were singing,

the world was at peace with itself,

and a black-haired figure was hanging headfirst cursing in a 50 meter high tree and was fighting for its life. Madara swung to the right swearing, just to hurl an explosive Kunai into the jaws of a slavering monster's head with a twist. The explosion tore it limb from limb that landed on Madara's body including blood and brain. Not that it would have changed his appearance a great deal. Exhausted, he coerced his body to relax. By that he once more cut short the adrenaline and felt his injuries more than ever. The oscillation decreased and eventually he ceased to swing back and forth. The root suspending his smashed leg squeezed it one more time, but he did not give a squeak. Finally, the monster fell on its other, much less resisting prey. That one was dead at least, even if through Madara's hand. He cursed his damned life. Some years ago, he had been Madara Uchiha, head of the Uchiha, feared and powerful Shinobi. His life had been bloody, full of privation and severe, but he had had a clan standing by his side in unity for whose well-being he had given anything. But then his worst enemy Hashirama Senju had come. No one did he hate, admire or fear more than this man, who brought him to his limit, nearly took his life and challenged him whenever they met on the battlefield. No one else had ever managed that. They were united by a bond, even if it was of blood and battle, fear and respect. Of all people, this enemy had suggested to make peace and found a village together! Perhaps he had been too strong to notice that his clan members were not as strong as he. They had been longing for peace and had overruled him. He had been forced to accept Senju's offer. There and then all had ended.

The times of a welded Uchiha community had been gone. Other clans had joined them. The village had grown. No longer had he been Madara Uchiha, head of the Uchiha clan, but Madara Uchiha, head of one clan among many others in the village Konoha no Sato. Then Hashirama Senju had become their united leader, the Hokage, and Madara's misgivings had become reality. The Uchiha had been devoted to the Senju out of gratitude and had relied on his judgment, not discerning that in doing so they gave up their power and surrendered. When he had tried to warn them, they had called him a warmonger, betrayed him and dismissed him as head of the clan. He did not even know whether he still belonged to the clan, or if he had been exiled. After all, he had left the village right after this incident. Probably by now Senju had gladly proclaimed him a Nukenin!

Senju! Always the Senju! It was solely his fault that now he, Madara, found himself in such a plight. This wood fetishist was sucking up all his luck!

Only when he had left the village did he become aware that now he was totally alone and had to fend for himself. But despair and fear did not taste well for a Madara Uchiha, so he masked them with anger and hatred. Which worked splendidly. So splendidly that he lost himself in it and did not watch his steps. Very disastrous for a Shinobi. Only when he felt something penetrate his shoe did he awaken from this whirlpool of emotions. He had been bitten. By a snake. Now usually this was not a big deal for a warrior trained against poison.

Kill the snake, rinse the wound with water, throw up once or twice in an undignified manner, done. But not if you found yourself in wholly unknown terrain. Madara was located in an area which should become known as the forest of death later on but then was a very huge and unexplored territory which in that time stretched beyond the borders of Fireland. Nobody had ever set foot on this untamed no-man's land.

Madara was the first. In the elementary nations, this kind of snake, later known as the black tree snake, is the only one which does not attack the victim's body but its Chakra in order to make it useless. It was wholly unknown.

Madara was the first to discover it.

And, writhing on the ground with pain, its poison.

It is not advisable to cry out loud or move as loudly in a forest full of unknown beings. And as well to kill a baby snake. Madara became aware of that when mother snake arrived and revealed itself to be a monster of 50 meter length. He noticed the poison's effect on his Chakra when a huge fireball spewed from his mouth. It seemed as if he had put himself on fire with it. His Chakra pipes seemed to be trying to burn themselves out of his body, so much did it hurt. He missed his target and enormous dripping jaws already swallowed half of his body.

Panting, there was nothing left but to beat the snake's head again and again with his fan in a way most unlike an Uchiha and to try not to be swallowed. However, Madara had most substantial muscles, trained and steeled by hours and hours of tough workouts and by regularly running away from fan girls, which was brought on by his unofficial status as "hottest" Uchiha of Konoha. Which brings on the question how he manages to run away without having it look that way, since Uchihas do many things but running away from anything surely is not one of them.

Suddenly something cracked and Madara was able to free himself. He hastily jumped away from the snake. Tensely, he awaited the next attack, but it did not come. He had successfully smashed its head and squashed its brain. He rejoiced triumphantly, even if he was covered in dribble all over. During their fight, this bitch had crashed him against a tree once or twice while winding through the forest in order to swallow him completely. But he had been more pigheaded! He had won, nothing could really surprise him!

Only seconds later something twined itself around his foot and forced him up high. Which did occasion his present situation. Of course one wondered why he did not use his often praised, everlasting Mangekyou Sharingan or why he did not burn down half the forest with a legendary Fire Jutsu. The poison had settled in his eye's Chakra nerve, it had only one Tomoe left, which in itself was impossible since a Sharingan switched to its specific mode automatically when activated. However, the poison seemed to block this and that was why Madara did not dare to activate it again.

Fire Jutsus were not a real option as well. Because the huge monster plant with its many heads seemed to have formed a symbiosis with one of the trees. This in itself was not the problem. Rather the kind of tree. It did not differ from other trees externally except that its leaves were more intensely green. Yet if plucked and observed more carefully, you noticed the veins of the leaf. These were unnaturally thick. If you crumpled the leaf you had your hand full of the finest oil in mere seconds. The kind of tree was called an oil tree. Oil was running through every root, every branch and even the last vein of the tree. It was particularly concentrated beneath the bark and the branches.

The Uchiha did know a thing or two about this plant. Hashirama Senju had often caused it with his wood nature, had transformed it into wooden cages and had enfolded one or the other of them. Once inside it was difficult to get out again, since this wood was unusually resistant, and many a sharpened blade had rapidly went blunt in trying to cut a way out. Much damage was brought on by the oil, though. If the wood was injured only a bit it would gush out and dampen the whole body of the prisoner inside the cage. It needed just a tiny spark to cause one to burn alive wretchedly. A Fire User would have had it. When first in use, it had claimed many lives on their side, not at least because the metal weapons would send out sparks in cutting the hard wood. Eventually, the caged prisoners had not even their Sharingan left, because as soon as they were inside and did not use the weapons, the Senju would pour the oil over them on his own accord. If something dropped into your face you would close your eyes automatically despite all trainings. How did the old saying go?

"As much as you steel body and gaze, your eyes will not stand firm against a well aimed spear. Some weaknesses cannot be disposed of."

He just had not let himself be caught by Senju, that easy. Unfortunately, he had recognized the kind of tree only after the sickle he had thrown upwards had hit the branch wrapped in the loop crushing and surrounding his foot. Immediately some liters had sprayed down on him. Usually, the oil would have made his body smooth enough to slip out of the loop, but this plant had thorny loops which got caught in his leg as well. All in all, Madara did not really know what to do. Fire Jutsus and Sharingan failed to work, weapons as well because of the sparks, the explosive Kunai only because the head had been close enough to him and a proper distance from the tree. In addition, it had been his last one, as the damned snake's poison had dissolved the pockets on his belt as well as their content completely. Madara heard the plant tearing apart and devouring the clutched body of the snake bit by bit. Not much longer and it would be achieved and the plant would give him its whole attention. For some time now Madara did not know what to do. Well, at least it could not get worse.

Why, despite all difficulties, do humans always pronounce this sentence? It provokes Destiny, which she hates, too. However, she takes pleasure in proving the opposite as soon as possible.

Something nudged Madara. A sniff was to be heard. If he had not been so lost in thoughts, he would have noticed the vibrating ground, the startled flocks of birds, the snapping and splintering of wood. The huge shadow that enveloped him. Madara turned around. Black met red. A gigantic, sniffing snout out of a red-furred face. He did not think any more, but acted instinctively.

Fingers shaped signs and a call resounded. Seconds later Madara was burning. Centuries-old oil trees do have a widely branched system of roots, by the way. In mere seconds the whole damned area was burning with everything in or on it.

Destiny is a bitch. With a dark sense of humor. But she truly should have known better. In the course of a supposed act of revenge one does not look for tins of tuna deluxe, and even less does one use other beings for said act of revenge. Most of all if these burn down in the course of it and do not really die.

Destiny made a mistake, the other being intervened.

Uchiha really are born pyromaniacs and the tin of tuna was still lost…


End file.
